How to Become a Hermit in Two Months: A Guide by Yours Truly

Two months have passed since that glorious period of socialism, academics, general enrichment, and above all, a time where actual gay men actually lived near me.  (It was a golden era, I’m sure you were aware). Last Saturday marked the two month anniversary of my painful departure from Ann Arbor, Michigan to my bland, and occasionally surprising, homeland of the Upper Peninsula.

After leaving the gay oasis that is Ann Arbor Michigan, I decided to do the unthinkable.  I opened my Grindr app when I got home (a gay hook up app, I’m sorry I’m not civilized), deciding to humor myself to see what the UP had to offer.  I looked in horror to see the closest gay man, a mere mile away from me, had the name “Bear hunter,” having his profile picture a blurry, close up shot of what I’m assuming was his chest.  I’m not sure why he thought a blurry, close up shot of what was probably his chest would appeal to anyone, but I’m sure his pasty white 40 year old skin is happy in a Walmart somewhere.

Let me put things into perspective.  Grindr shows you the closest gay men in a certain radius away from you.  That radius is determined by the amount of gays in a given area.  The app will show you only 100 gay men (I know, that’s definitely not enough to satisfy my needs).  So the radius is determined by how far away the 100th gay man is.  In Ann Arbor?  It’s two miles.  In the Upper Peninsula?  It can get up to 150.  No, not 150 feet, literally 150 miles.  That almost goes out of the UP (which is 173 miles), there are more gay men in Ann Arbor than there are in the entire UP (well at least on Grindr).

A lot has happened since Bear Hunter.  Now gay marriage is legal, exams aren’t constantly on my mind, and I’ve started eating organic granola.  (I’m even seeing an orthodontist).

Everything has changed.

The social aspect of my life has changed drastically.  At the moment, my life is a combination of banana crunch cereal, Insanity, work, Orange is the New Black, Sense8, and some more Sense8.  I’ve committed more time thinking about Lito and Hernando’s future than my own.  I think I’ve hung out with possibly four different people this summer.  I almost have more dogs than that. (Mom, trust me I have friends).

Besides work, Insanity has taken up the majority of time.  Nothing says healthy like moving quickly in front of a television while a shredded gay man screams at you for an hour.  No, seriously, Month Two of Insanity is practically impossible.  I have to suffer through vigorous knee bending (I am actually 92 years old) and watch Shaun T (shredded gay man) just power through what I can barely do.  To top it off, there’s this girl in the workout videos whose job is to make sure you know she’s better than you.  She never takes breaks, she has perfect form, and she truly wants to make you feel like shit.  Her name is Tania and she does not feel happiness.  I am hoping you can hear the hostility in these sentences.   And to make it worse, she’s in pretty much every workout.  The last thing I want while my 92 year old knees are in excruciating pain, is to have Tania honestly just kill it.  But, actually?  It’s been worth it.  Even though I’m in pain for an hour everyday, I can finally look in the mirror and say “Wow, look at that mild improvement.”

Other than Insanity and making pizzas for the entirety of Marquette, not much is on my schedule.  Almost completely isolating myself from my friends and turning into a literal sloth is a lot easier than it looks.  Just follow these tips:

  1. When you see a container of Gourmet dog food, try it.  It’s gourmet for a reason, and the risk of losing that friend because you’re eating dog food is outweighed by the incredible taste.  (This is not a dog food ad).  I’m like not even kidding at this point.
  2. Talk to your dogs more than you do to people.
  3. Watch this five minute airplane safety video.
  4. Watch the entire series of Game of Thrones.  Twice.  (I consider myself a productive person).
  5. Tell yourself looking at someone’s Facebook profile is the same thing as hanging out.  (Because it is).

I’m hoping the next two months are a little more eventful.  The most exciting thing that’s happened this week is my mom bought a new kind of cereal.

What has my life come to?

Two more months.

Then Sophomore Year.

Let’s hope I don’t die of boredom beforehand.

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